Brady and the Beast (Mode) : A quirky Super Bowl XLIX preview

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Grab some Skittles, inflate some footballs to proper PSI levels, shun reporters and put on a My Cousin Vinny DVD because here is your Captain Clarky Super Bowl XLIX preview. Make sure you read this so you won’t get fined.

I don’t know how most people feel, but I’ve had enough discussion of balls, colds, media appearance obligations, suspicious bathroom visits and other sundry silly topics leading up to Super Bowl XLIX. This appears to be one of the most evenly matched Super Bowls in history as the allegedly devious and dastardly New England Patriots take on the bombastic and demonstrative reigning champion Seattle Seahawks, who are seeking to become the eighth NFL franchise to capture consecutive championships.

The internet is abound with Super Bowl previews that in many cases say the same things. This preview is unique in several different ways. This is not a Super Bowl preview that will opine on defensive schemes or offensive strategies, schemes or game plans. This is a Super Bowl that highlights picayune facts, suggests preposterous prop bets and Super Bowl party conversation starting questions and showcases occasional bizarre opinions and asides.

It would be a disappointment if Super Bowl XLIX isn’t one of the best contests in the game’s history. But no matter how the game plays out, the Super Bowl is a celebration of sports, entertainment, pop culture, capitalism, food, drink, heroes and villains. This preview will amuse both the passionate and causal football fans and commemorate all the things that make Super Bowl Sunday the special event that it is.

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Super Bowl party conversation starting question:

Which is a worse case of cheating: Deflategate or Arthur Read’s deceptive tactics in games of No Guessing and cards?

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Prop bet: The University of Phoenix Stadium public address announcer will introduce Idina Menzel as Idina Manziel (a.k.a. Johnny Frozen.)

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Prop bet:

Menzel will sing the national anthem to the tune of “Let It Go.”

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Teams that wear white jerseys in the Super Bowl are 30-18.

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The AFC champion is 7-5 in Super Bowls played in February, including the Patriots’ three Super Bowl victories.

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The AFC champion is 13-11 in odd numbered Super Bowls.

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The NFC champion is 9-2 in Super Bowls whose number consists of four roman numerals.

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The AFC champion is 5-1 in Super Bowls played in years a Star Wars film premiers in theaters.

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Super Bowl party conversation starting question:

What’s more inflated: a Patriots’ football or Doug Marrone’s ego?

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The Seahawks are seeking to become the 13th franchise to win multiple Super Bowls.

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This is the 12th Super Bowl matchup in which both teams have won at least one Super Bowl in their history.

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The Bill Belichick/Pete Carroll coaching matchup makes this a rare Bert/Ernie Super Bowl, a Super Bowl contest consisting of coaches with sharply contrasting personalities.

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Many people have compared Belichick to Lord Voldemort. I think he more resembles Mary GrandPré’s illustration of Mad-Eye Moody.

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