A Twisted Mock: 32 Words for 32 Picks


Mock drafts are interesting pieces to read or write even though most of them seem to be rehashings. I estimate that 2006 was the last time I wrote one. I don’t care how many selections I guess correctly (I’ll be lucky to get 16 picks right considering all the trades and surprises teams pull on draft night),  but this year, I wanted to write a nuanced mock draft that celebrates one of my favorite drinks, Twisted Tea.



I’ve selected 32 words from Twisted Tea bottles caps, one for each first round selection. I wrote a sentence summarizing each pick using a bottle cap word. I mean no disrespect to mock draft writers and readers, but you can say that with this post, I am mocking the annual mock draft mania that arrives this time of year. Regardless, I hope you find the following entertaining and enjoy the 2015 NFL Draft.


  1. Buccaneers – Jameis Winston – Quarterback – Florida State


Tampa Bay will pick Winston even though he stole crab legs in a similar fashion to that of Harold Berman’s ham theft in a Hey Arnold! episode.

45.2 - Harold Carnicero.mp4_snapshot_01.08_[2012.10.03_09.36.59]


  1. Titans – Marcus Mariota – Quarterback – Oregon


Chip Kelly will cry a river of tears because he can’t draft his favorite Oregon Duckie.

Chip Kelly changing the Rubber Duckie lyrics.
Chip Kelly changing the Rubber Duckie lyrics.


  1. Jaguars – Amari Cooper – Wide Receiver – Alabama


Blake Bortles’ dream for a skilled receiver comes true.


  1. Raiders – Leonard Williams – Defensive End – Southern California


Williams can only help a defensive that recorded just 22 sacks last season.


  1. Washington – Dante Fowler, Jr. – Defensive End/Outside Linebacker – Florida


There won’t be any hesitation to pick Flower in Washington’s “war room” should he drop to this spot.


  1. Jets – Andrus Peat – Offensive Tackle – Stanford


 The draft taking place in Chicago means we won’t experience Jets fans’ annual wailing and gnashing of teeth over the team’s first round draft choice.


  1. Bears – Kevin White – Wide Receiver – West Virginia


If Jay Cutler is going to play well again, he needs another target to compliment Alshon Jeffery.


  1. Falcons – Vic Beasley – Defensive End/Outside Linebacker – Clemson


New head coach Dan Quinn needs a defender who will hammer the NFC South’s skilled quarterbacks.


  1. Giants – Brandon Scherff – Offensive Lineman – Iowa


Will Scherff become a Met or a Yankee fan?


  1. Rams – Trae Waynes – Cornerback – Michigan State


Jeff Fisher wants to follow division foe Seattle’s model of drafting skilled defensive backs.


  1. Vikings – Danny Shelton – Defensive Tackle – Washington


Mike Zimmer lands a lineman who can help Minnesota slow down Green Bay’s explosive offense.


  1. Browns – Alvin “Bud” Dupree – Defensive End/Outside Linebacker – Kentucky


The last Kentucky player Cleveland drafted in the first round was a fellow named Tim Couch.


  1. Saints – DeVante Parker – Wide Receiver – Louisville


Marques Colston’s productive years are over, so it’s time to find an eventual replacement.


  1. Dolphins – Todd Gurley – Running Back – Georgia


If Gurley has a hall of fame career, I, a Bills fan, will get a Dolphins logo tattoo on my back.


  1. 49ers – Malcom Brown – Defensive Tackle – Texas


To defeat Seattle, San Francisco needs someone to clog Marshawn Lynch’s rushing lane.


  1. Texans – Arik Armstead – Defensive End – Oregon


Pairing Armstead with Vince Wilfork, J.J. Watt and Jadeveon Clowney will beef up Houston’s defensive line.


  1. Chargers – Jordan Phillips – Defensive Tackle – Oklahoma


Stopping Denver’s high-powered offensive is a tall order, so it’s necessary for San Diego to add defensive line talent.


  1. Chiefs – Marcus Peters – Cornerback – Washington


Kansas City picks a prospect who can rub elite receivers at the line of scrimmage.


  1. Browns – Jaelen Strong – Wide Receiver – Arizona State


Strong will be worth nothing if the Browns have inconsistent quarterback play this season.


  1. Eagles – Breshad Perriman – Wide Receiver – Central Florida


Pope Francis ought to declare Chip Kelly a saint if all these free agency maneuvers and draft acquisitions pay off with a Super Bowl championship.



  1. Bengals – Ereck Flowers – Offensive Tackle – Miami


I remember when the Bills drafted another Ereck Flowers (spelled Erik) and he was awful.


  1. Steelers – Eddie Goldman – Defensive Tackle – Florida State


With this addition, new defensive coordinator Keith Butler can hide deficiencies in the secondary.


  1. Lions – Kevin Johnson – Cornerback – Wake Forest


This rookie better be ready to face Calvin Johnson in training camp this summer.


  1. Cardinals – Shane Ray – Defensive End – Missouri


Analysts projected Ray to be picked earlier in the first round, but those expectations went up in smoke when police cited him for pot possession earlier this week.


  1. Panthers – Jake Fisher – Offensive Tackle – Oregon


An offensive lineman being selected around 11:15 EST is a sure fire way to put viewers to sleep.


  1. Ravens – Nelson Agholor – Wide Receiver – Southern California


I can picture Ozzie Newsome grinning like the Grinch if he’s able to add Agholor to the Ravens’ receiving corps.



  1. Cowboys – Melvin Gordon – Running Back – Wisconsin


Like Newsome, Jerry Jones will go to bed Thursday night as happy as a clown should this come to fruition.


  1. Broncos – Maxx Williams – Tight End – Minnesota


Julius Thomas will be sad as he watches Williams catch touchdown passes from Peyton Manning while he wallows in Jacksonville.


  1. Colts – Randy Gregory – Defensive End/Outside Linebacker – Nebraska


Like Ray, Gregory’s involvement with drugs will knock him down several first round spots.


  1. Packers – A.J. Cann – Offensive Guard – South Carolina


I hope this former Gamecock doesn’t mind playing in cold weather.


  1. Saints – Landon Collins – Safety – Alabama


I suspect Collins will be a little angry if he’s drafted this late.


  1. Patriots – Cameron Erving – Offensive Lineman – Florida State


In order for Tom Brady to decline another White House visit next offseason, New England must bolster its offensive line.


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