A Twisted Mock: 32 Words for 32 Picks

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Mock drafts are interesting pieces to read or write even though most of them seem to be rehashings. I estimate that 2006 was the last time I wrote one. I don’t care how many selections I guess correctly (I’ll be lucky to get 16 picks right considering all the trades and surprises teams pull on draft night),  but this year, I wanted to write a nuanced mock draft that celebrates one of my favorite drinks, Twisted Tea.

Twisted-Tea-logo

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I’ve selected 32 words from Twisted Tea bottles caps, one for each first round selection. I wrote a sentence summarizing each pick using a bottle cap word. I mean no disrespect to mock draft writers and readers, but you can say that with this post, I am mocking the annual mock draft mania that arrives this time of year. Regardless, I hope you find the following entertaining and enjoy the 2015 NFL Draft.

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  1. Buccaneers – Jameis Winston – Quarterback – Florida State

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Tampa Bay will pick Winston even though he stole crab legs in a similar fashion to that of Harold Berman’s ham theft in a Hey Arnold! episode.

45.2 - Harold Carnicero.mp4_snapshot_01.08_[2012.10.03_09.36.59]

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  1. Titans – Marcus Mariota – Quarterback – Oregon

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Chip Kelly will cry a river of tears because he can’t draft his favorite Oregon Duckie.

Chip Kelly changing the Rubber Duckie lyrics.
Chip Kelly changing the Rubber Duckie lyrics.

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  1. Jaguars – Amari Cooper – Wide Receiver – Alabama

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Blake Bortles’ dream for a skilled receiver comes true.

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  1. Raiders – Leonard Williams – Defensive End – Southern California

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Williams can only help a defensive that recorded just 22 sacks last season.

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  1. Washington – Dante Fowler, Jr. – Defensive End/Outside Linebacker – Florida

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There won’t be any hesitation to pick Flower in Washington’s “war room” should he drop to this spot.

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  1. Jets – Andrus Peat – Offensive Tackle – Stanford

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 The draft taking place in Chicago means we won’t experience Jets fans’ annual wailing and gnashing of teeth over the team’s first round draft choice.

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  1. Bears – Kevin White – Wide Receiver – West Virginia

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If Jay Cutler is going to play well again, he needs another target to compliment Alshon Jeffery.

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  1. Falcons – Vic Beasley – Defensive End/Outside Linebacker – Clemson

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New head coach Dan Quinn needs a defender who will hammer the NFC South’s skilled quarterbacks.

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  1. Giants – Brandon Scherff – Offensive Lineman – Iowa

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Will Scherff become a Met or a Yankee fan?

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  1. Rams – Trae Waynes – Cornerback – Michigan State

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Jeff Fisher wants to follow division foe Seattle’s model of drafting skilled defensive backs.

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  1. Vikings – Danny Shelton – Defensive Tackle – Washington

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Mike Zimmer lands a lineman who can help Minnesota slow down Green Bay’s explosive offense.

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  1. Browns – Alvin “Bud” Dupree – Defensive End/Outside Linebacker – Kentucky

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The last Kentucky player Cleveland drafted in the first round was a fellow named Tim Couch.

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  1. Saints – DeVante Parker – Wide Receiver – Louisville

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Marques Colston’s productive years are over, so it’s time to find an eventual replacement.

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  1. Dolphins – Todd Gurley – Running Back – Georgia

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If Gurley has a hall of fame career, I, a Bills fan, will get a Dolphins logo tattoo on my back.

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  1. 49ers – Malcom Brown – Defensive Tackle – Texas

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To defeat Seattle, San Francisco needs someone to clog Marshawn Lynch’s rushing lane.

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  1. Texans – Arik Armstead – Defensive End – Oregon

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Pairing Armstead with Vince Wilfork, J.J. Watt and Jadeveon Clowney will beef up Houston’s defensive line.

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  1. Chargers – Jordan Phillips – Defensive Tackle – Oklahoma

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Stopping Denver’s high-powered offensive is a tall order, so it’s necessary for San Diego to add defensive line talent.

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  1. Chiefs – Marcus Peters – Cornerback – Washington

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Kansas City picks a prospect who can rub elite receivers at the line of scrimmage.

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  1. Browns – Jaelen Strong – Wide Receiver – Arizona State

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Strong will be worth nothing if the Browns have inconsistent quarterback play this season.

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  1. Eagles – Breshad Perriman – Wide Receiver – Central Florida

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Pope Francis ought to declare Chip Kelly a saint if all these free agency maneuvers and draft acquisitions pay off with a Super Bowl championship.

60124454

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  1. Bengals – Ereck Flowers – Offensive Tackle – Miami

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I remember when the Bills drafted another Ereck Flowers (spelled Erik) and he was awful.

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  1. Steelers – Eddie Goldman – Defensive Tackle – Florida State

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With this addition, new defensive coordinator Keith Butler can hide deficiencies in the secondary.

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  1. Lions – Kevin Johnson – Cornerback – Wake Forest

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This rookie better be ready to face Calvin Johnson in training camp this summer.

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  1. Cardinals – Shane Ray – Defensive End – Missouri

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Analysts projected Ray to be picked earlier in the first round, but those expectations went up in smoke when police cited him for pot possession earlier this week.

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  1. Panthers – Jake Fisher – Offensive Tackle – Oregon

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An offensive lineman being selected around 11:15 EST is a sure fire way to put viewers to sleep.

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  1. Ravens – Nelson Agholor – Wide Receiver – Southern California

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I can picture Ozzie Newsome grinning like the Grinch if he’s able to add Agholor to the Ravens’ receiving corps.

grinch-o

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  1. Cowboys – Melvin Gordon – Running Back – Wisconsin

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Like Newsome, Jerry Jones will go to bed Thursday night as happy as a clown should this come to fruition.

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  1. Broncos – Maxx Williams – Tight End – Minnesota

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Julius Thomas will be sad as he watches Williams catch touchdown passes from Peyton Manning while he wallows in Jacksonville.

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  1. Colts – Randy Gregory – Defensive End/Outside Linebacker – Nebraska

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Like Ray, Gregory’s involvement with drugs will knock him down several first round spots.

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  1. Packers – A.J. Cann – Offensive Guard – South Carolina

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I hope this former Gamecock doesn’t mind playing in cold weather.

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  1. Saints – Landon Collins – Safety – Alabama

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I suspect Collins will be a little angry if he’s drafted this late.

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  1. Patriots – Cameron Erving – Offensive Lineman – Florida State

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In order for Tom Brady to decline another White House visit next offseason, New England must bolster its offensive line.

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