Brady and the Beast (Mode) : A quirky Super Bowl XLIX preview

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Grab some Skittles, inflate some footballs to proper PSI levels, shun reporters and put on a My Cousin Vinny DVD because here is your Captain Clarky Super Bowl XLIX preview. Make sure you read this so you won’t get fined.

I don’t know how most people feel, but I’ve had enough discussion of balls, colds, media appearance obligations, suspicious bathroom visits and other sundry silly topics leading up to Super Bowl XLIX. This appears to be one of the most evenly matched Super Bowls in history as the allegedly devious and dastardly New England Patriots take on the bombastic and demonstrative reigning champion Seattle Seahawks, who are seeking to become the eighth NFL franchise to capture consecutive championships.

The internet is abound with Super Bowl previews that in many cases say the same things. This preview is unique in several different ways. This is not a Super Bowl preview that will opine on defensive schemes or offensive strategies, schemes or game plans. This is a Super Bowl that highlights picayune facts, suggests preposterous prop bets and Super Bowl party conversation starting questions and showcases occasional bizarre opinions and asides.

It would be a disappointment if Super Bowl XLIX isn’t one of the best contests in the game’s history. But no matter how the game plays out, the Super Bowl is a celebration of sports, entertainment, pop culture, capitalism, food, drink, heroes and villains. This preview will amuse both the passionate and causal football fans and commemorate all the things that make Super Bowl Sunday the special event that it is.

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Super Bowl party conversation starting question:

Which is a worse case of cheating: Deflategate or Arthur Read’s deceptive tactics in games of No Guessing and cards?

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Prop bet: The University of Phoenix Stadium public address announcer will introduce Idina Menzel as Idina Manziel (a.k.a. Johnny Frozen.)

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Prop bet:

Menzel will sing the national anthem to the tune of “Let It Go.”

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Teams that wear white jerseys in the Super Bowl are 30-18.

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The AFC champion is 7-5 in Super Bowls played in February, including the Patriots’ three Super Bowl victories.

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The AFC champion is 13-11 in odd numbered Super Bowls.

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The NFC champion is 9-2 in Super Bowls whose number consists of four roman numerals.

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The AFC champion is 5-1 in Super Bowls played in years a Star Wars film premiers in theaters.

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Super Bowl party conversation starting question:

What’s more inflated: a Patriots’ football or Doug Marrone’s ego?

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The Seahawks are seeking to become the 13th franchise to win multiple Super Bowls.

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This is the 12th Super Bowl matchup in which both teams have won at least one Super Bowl in their history.

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The Bill Belichick/Pete Carroll coaching matchup makes this a rare Bert/Ernie Super Bowl, a Super Bowl contest consisting of coaches with sharply contrasting personalities.

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Many people have compared Belichick to Lord Voldemort. I think he more resembles Mary GrandPré’s illustration of Mad-Eye Moody.

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This will be the fourth Super Bowl in which one of the participating head coaches faces their former team. Carroll coached the Patriots from 1997-99. Coaches are 2-1 against their former teams in these matchups.

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The all-time Patriots/Seahawks series is tied 8-8. New England has a 2-1 series advantage since the Seahawks joined the NFC in 2002.

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The AFC champion is 9-7 in Super Bowls broadcast exclusively on NBC.

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The NFC champion is 6-2 in Super Bowls called by Al Michaels.

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Many people will remember Michaels for his Miracle on Ice call. I will always remember the time he read a promotion for The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug on Thanksgiving Night 2013.

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The Super Bowl returns to University of Phoenix Stadium for the first time since Super Bowl XLII, the game that featured this under appreciated Super Bowl commercial.

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Super Bowl party conversation starting question:

Who is the more despised Roger of the millennial generation: Roger Goodell or Roger Klotz?

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Goodell is in a lose/lose situation regardless of which team he hands the Vince Lombardi Trophy to Sunday on night. Either he hands it to Patriots’ owner Robert Kraft, with whom he appears to be on the verge of the biggest friendship breakup since Regina George and Gretchen Wieners. Or he will hand the trophy to Seahawks owner Paul Allen, who employs Richard Sherman and Marshawn Lynch, the Startler and Waldorf of Goodell’s regime.

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Prop bet: If fans are booing during the Lombardi Trophy presentation, will Goodell ask someone if the fans are saying boo or boo-urns?

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The Patriots haven’t won the Super Bowl since Goodell became the National Football League’s commissioner. I guess he owes Kraft an apology for this.

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I bet Curly from Hey Anrold! pulled the fire alarm at the Patriots’ hotel this week.

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As a Bills fan rooting for the Seahawks on Sunday, this will be my reaction to every positive Patriot play.

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Super Bowl party conversation starting question:

What is Marshawn Lynch more likely to do first: speak to reporters or try Green Eggs and Ham?

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Prop bet:

Whoever will informs Lynch he won the game’s most valuable player award will say “You’re the MVP, Mr. Lynch” to the tune of “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch.”

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Prop bet:

Lynch will recite one of these three mantras in his postgame remarks.

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When Republicans control both houses of Congress, the AFC champion is 6-5 in the Super Bowl.

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Presidential Pigskin Super Bowl analysis

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The AFC champion is 2-1 in Super Bowls played in the seventh year of a president’s tenure.

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If New England wins Super Bowl XLIX, they will become the first NFL franchise to win 80 games during Barack Obama’s presidency. It would be the second time the franchise would be the NFL first team to 80 wins during a presidency.

President First NFL team to 80 wins Number of games/Number days into presidential administration
George W. Bush Patriots 107 games/2,171 days
Bill Clinton 49ers 111 games/2,441 days
Ronald Reagan Redskins 112 games/2,511 days

New England would reach the accomplishment in the second shortest amount of time, 108 games in 2,203 days into the Obama presidency.

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Tom Brady needs 125 passing yards to become the second NFL player with 30,000 passing yards during the Obama presidency and needs to attempt 45 passes to become the second NFL player to attempt 4,000 passes during the Obama presidency.

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Lynch needs 42 rushing yards to set the NFL record for rushing yards during the Obama presidency and needs three rushing touchdowns to tie the NFL record for rushing touchdowns during the Obama presidency.

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Richard Sherman needs an interception to set the NFL record for interceptions during the Obama presidency.

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Reigning Super Bowl champions are 6-3 when they return to the Super Bowl the following season.

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The NFC champion is 12-6 in Super Bowls in years Meryl Streep earns an Oscar nomination.

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The NFC champion is 20-10 in Super Bowls during Katy Perry’s lifetime.

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Pizza Hut should have saved this Rex Ryan commercial for the Super Bowl. As a Bills fan, it makes me proud to see our fearless leader display displeasure for inadequate crust with the fury of Terence Fletcher. It’s also good to see that he can throw a challenge flag with the accuracy of Katniss Everdeen.

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Teams with bird nicknames are 3-5 in the Super Bowl.

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Las Vegas should label any Seahawks Super Bowl victory/Birdman winning Best Picture parlays as a “for the birds” parlay and all Patriots Super Bowl victory/American Sniper winning Best Picture parlays as a “patriotic” parlay.

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The NFC champion is 2-0 in Super Bowls played in Arizona Super Bowls. However, the two winners, the Cowboys and Giants, are NFC East teams. The Seahawks play in the NFC West.

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The average margin of a Super Bowl following a Super Bowl decided by 21 or more points is 12.8 points.

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It’s a shame Oregon didn’t win the College Football Playoff Championship Game. If the Ducks and the Seahawks won their respective titles, a  newspaper headline or commemorative book/decoration title could have been “Pacific North Best.”

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Prop bet punishment:

Whomever loses a straight up pick the winner bet must listen to the Rocket Chicken gummy bear or Regina George scream with headphones on and laptop volume at its highest level.

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Patriots broadcast victory call:

“Their footballs might not be filled with air, but their hearts are most certainly filled with joy. The Patriots are Super Bowl champions!”

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Seahawks broadcast victory call:

Re(Pete Carroll) the Sounding Joy, Seattle: Your Seahawks are Super Bowl champions once again!

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Patriots victory newspaper headline:

Ball Stars: Patriots puncture Seattle’s repeat quest with Super Bowl triumph.

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Seahawks victory newspaper headline:

“Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boom! Seattle’s magic lives on as the Seahawks capture their second straight championship!”

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Prediction:

Seattle 20, New England 16.

Lynch wins most valuable player honors as he become the sixth player to run for at least 150 yards in a Super Bowl game. To celebrate he avoids reporters, steals a stadium injury cart and drives off into the Arizona sunset.

– FIN –

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